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I'm trying to be less self-deprecating, but I really suck at it. (Eric Knibbe)
I thought I was wrong once, but I found out later I was mistaken.
(E. Abbey, The Monkey Wrench Gang, 1985 ed, p. 85)
I can be spontaneous, if I have enough time to prepare for it. (Dave Bellware)
Speling is my favourite subject (Bill Winder)
Eight from Kurt Richter:
Just say NO to negativity!
I am not in denial!
Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
Being bored keeps me busy. - Fray Pascual
I don't like to eat. It ruins my appetite. - Fray Pascual
I used to be a perfectionist, but I'm trying to improve. - Fray Pascual
Don't procrastinate. Put it off NOW.
Repeat after me. We are all individuals. - Brian (Graham Chapman) in Monty Python's Life of Brian.
A man's response to seeing the ocean for the first time:
"It's not as big as I thought it would be." (Brad Reid)
If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the other 5%? (Joel Gwynn)
All generalizations are wrong (Vivek Dhar)
"Sterility is hereditary" and "disobey me". (Alexandre Bouthors)
I swear to god i must be the only true optimist left on the planet. (Carl Crowder)
My apathy causes me problems, but I don't care. (Carl Crowder)
Four from Gary Ecklund:
It's extremely important that you fully understand how completely trivial this statement is.
If I am not on Mars, I must be somewhere else. Since I am somewhere else, I must not be here. Could I am there? It is certainly somewhere else. Please take a look and let me know if find me.
Paraphrased from Victor Borge on stage: "The last time I was here... - well it's not the last time, this is. But I hope it isn't.
What is this a paraphrase of?
I've felt like a goat, ever since I was a kid (James Demastus)
"Nobody goes there anymore, it's too crowded." (From Yogi Berra, several of whose famous saying are close
I'm not conceited. Conceit is a fault, and I have none. (Chris Mark)
Always remember that you are a unique individual; just like everyone else.
I want to join the Optimist's Club, but they probably won't accept me. (David Cervera)
Some people say I have a short attention span, but I (David Cervera)
I'm sorry, am I repeating myself? Am I being redundant? Am I saying
things over and over?
I tried to be patient but it took too long ('Anya' - Joss Wheedon, in Buffy The Vampire Slayer, via Maeve Kennedy)
I am never mistaken. Well, once I was wrong because I thought I was wrong. (Juan Pablo Martínez)
I thought about changing my mind, but then I reconsidered. (Brian Haynes)
A self-referential comic strip (Daniel Lyons)
"I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it
would defeat the purpose."
Stephen Wright, Canadian comedian. (Nicholas Csergo)
Some further examples in Paul Niquette's Elegancelessness page.
xkcd's comment ... another ... another ...
A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre. So the barman gives her one. (Various, e.g. www.hilpers.org/141025-ot-joke-a-woman-walks)
Four monks decided to meditate silently without speaking for two weeks. By nightfall on the first day, the candle began to flicker and then went out. The first monk said, "Oh, no! The candle is out." The second monk said, "Aren't we not supposed to talk?" The third monk said, "Why must you two break the silence?" The fourth monk laughed and said, "Ha! I'm the only one who didn't speak."
(Gene Torisky, from http://www-usr.rider.edu/~suler/zenstory/silence.html
... a conversation I once had with a Scottish earl in which he condemned snobbery on the grounds that it was 'common'. (Toby Young, Spectator Jan 2010.
After years of refusing to take my calls, I have finally decided to be my own best friend. And now I don't call. Did I wait too long? (Douglas N. Beck)
"And finally, what question would you least like to be asked in this interview?" "That was it." (Sean Omweg)
Patience is a virtue I wish I'd waited for. (Allan Tripp)
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
I'd give my right hand to be ambidextrous.
A Rabbi, a lawyer, Quine and a cat walk into a bar. Says the barkeeper: Come on guys, this is a bad joke, right? (Jörg Schröder)
All extremists should be taken out and shot!
If you say "gullible" very slowly it sounds like "oranges". (Julie Truong)
If you are what you eat; eat a vegetarian. (David Vulcez)
I thought I was wrong once but I was correct. (David Vulcez)
I am very passionate about my apathy. (David Vulcez)
"They're saying Facebook and Twitter have killed meaningful communication." "Like."
You are what you believe so believe in yourself. (David Vulcez)
I accept all religious beliefs, except this one. (John Carlson)
I'm so meta, even this acronym. (Jake Brown)
It brings bad luck to be superstitious.
Some people get confused when a sentence doesn't end as they potato. (grammarly.com)